Now, who’s the jerk?

Fundstücke der heutigen Aufräumerei. Schule hat manchmal auch gerockt.

Englisch Arbeitsblatt 1: British Newspapers
THE TIMES – read by the people who run the country.
DAILY MIRROR – read by the people who think they run the country.
GUARDIAN – read by the people who think they ought to run the country.
MORNING STAR – read by the people who think the country ought to be run by another country.
DAILY MAIL – read by the wives of the people who run the country.
FINANCIAL TIMES – read by the people who own the country.
DAILY EXPRESS – read by the people who think the country ought to be run as it used to be.
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH – read by the people who think it still is.
THE SUN – read by the people who couldn’t care less who runs the -#*!@- country, providing she’s got big tits.

Englisch Arbeitsblatt 2: Religions explained
Taoism – Shit happens.
Confucianism – Confucius says: “Shit happens”.
Buddhism – Shit happening is an illusion.
Zen – What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism – This shit has happened before.
Islam – Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Judaism – Why does shit always happen to us?
Catholicism – If shit happens, you deserve it.
Calvinism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Christian science – If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Protestantism – Please let shit happen to someone else!
Atheism – Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism – Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Stoicism – Shit happens. I can take it.
Hare Krishna – Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens…
Johova’s Witnesses – Let us in and we’ll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit and see what happens.